Tail Play
by Jessie Blackwood
Summary: An alien artefact tumbles through the Rift and causes a little problem with Jack's DNA. A cracky little fic, the result of a humorous discussion one night concerning the introduction of Alien DNA into 51st Century humans. Rated M for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**Standard disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or anything to do with it, it remains in the copyrighted hands of Mr Davies and the BBC. Tigger is the property of Disney although the mention of him is very brief... I'm not earning anything from it, I'm simply having fun with it and thank you for the opportunity. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.**

**This is a little crack but then, it came from some rather crazy role play discussion my mate and I got into late one night. It comes from the simple fact that Jack has to be a Tigger (well, there's only one of him, he's bouncy, he's irrepressible, irritating but well meaning, among other things and adorable too of course) and a tigger has a tail. So, what if the humans of Boeshane were not entirely human by the time the 51st Century came round? What might they have added in there...**

**Warning for Smut... But then, this is the boys... what else do you expect?**

**Tail Play...**

"Well, I told you 51st century humans no longer had pure human DNA..." Jack was on the steps outside the boardroom, hands planted on his hips, looking fierce. Which must be hard to do under the circumstances, Ianto thought, trying to suppress a smile.

"Yes, I know you told us," he replied, "but really, Catkind?"

"Only 1.874%..."

"It still shows. Explains a lot, to be honest." Ianto stopped and turned to look at the Captain as he stood uncertainly on the gantry steps above him. It explained his aloofness, his independence, his disdain, his ability to find the warmest spot in the bed, or in the Hub for that matter. Also explained his laziness too. Ianto couldn't remember having seen Jack lick his own balls but there was always a first time and frankly he was flexible enough... Ianto dragged his thoughts back to the matter in hand with difficulty. "So, tell me, how long will this last?"

"I don't know. Unless Tosh can get her head around how to reverse the DNA enhancer I'm not sure I'll be able to get rid of it..."

"There's always surgery..." Owen sounded entirely too eager.

"Hell, no, I am not having this removed," Jack said indignantly. "Not like that anyway."

The alien artifact that had fallen through the Rift that morning had scrambled the DNA of a nice old lady from Penarth into nothing more than a primordial soup. Unfortunately the thing had been badly damaged as it crashed through her roof, rendering it unstable to say the very least. It had succeeded in interrupting a whist drive and the old lady's friends had needed to be heavily retconned into forgetting the nasty mess she had made on the Persian rug. They had all been taken home believing she had died of a stroke, after collapsing and crashing through her glass coffee table. Some trump card that had been.

Jack had been the one to pick the thing up and quickly drop it into a containment box, citing the danger to the rest of the team as his reason, but even he wasn't quick enough to avoid the resulting zap which had rendered him unconscious for three whole hours. He had woken up a changed man. At least as far as Ianto was concerned he was exactly the same, still the flirting and insufferable man who loved him. The only thing about him that was different was that now he was sporting a tail; a long, prehensile—and, Ianto had to admit, rather sensuous—tiger-striped tail.

"Well, I like it," Gwen said defensively. "It's rather...interesting."

"You would," Ianto snarked. "How do you propose to hide it, Jack? Tucked into your trousers? I think you'll find it makes driving a little difficult..." Jack looked a little crestfallen.

"It wasn't my fault, Ianto," he said quietly.

"Bollocks, Jack, you picked the thing up."

"I picked it up because of what it did to Mrs Parry. If any of you had touched it, it would have done the same. Your DNA is pure human, nothing to enhance, nothing to change..." He looked bleakly at Ianto. "I had no desire for it to make you into a puddle of goo..." Ianto regarded Jack silently for a moment; he expected some quip and he wasn't disappointed. "But that's my job," Jack added with a smirk. Ianto had been about to relent and stop making Jack feel guilty but on hearing that he rolled his eyes at the comment and went to make some coffee, shaking his head in exasperation as he went.

"So, Jack...," Ianto paused in the office doorway, a little taken aback as his brain registered what Jack was about. "What are you doing?" he asked, Jack's coffee in hand. Jack was sitting in his chair wielding scissors, which was never a good thing. He was also holding his trousers.

"I have a tail, Ianto, it needs somewhere to go..."

"You're putting a hole in your trousers?"

"Well, what do you suggest? As you pointed out, I can hardly keep it tucked down my trouser leg, can I? It is rather obvious and it's in the wrong place to draw admiring remarks. Anyone seeing that would think I was just plain strange..." Ianto forbore to tell Jack some people probably thought he was strange anyway.

"Should have thought of that before you touched the damn artifact..." Ianto muttered and placed the mug on the table.

"Ianto, why the snark? Seriously, there wasn't much I could do. And besides, I didn't know it would give me a tail."

"That's the point, Jack. You never know what it will do. It might have killed you."

"One thing I don't have to worry about..."

"Jack, I know what that does to you."

"So do I and we've been over this ground before. Nothing changes."

"There should be a punchline there somewhere," Ianto mused. "Something about contradicting yourself. Be thankful it didn't give you furry ears and whiskers or you would have been joining the cast of Cats and singing Memory under the bloody fountain..." Ianto glared at him. "Look, Jack, while I can appreciate your selfless actions in trying to protect us, there was another way. You maybe should have picked it up with tongs or something? You know, worn protective gear? God forbid you ever wear goggles. Look, I know it doesn't look 'cool' for the dashing Captain to be seen wearing protective gear but there is such a thing as safety these days. We're not operating in the 1940s any more, even if you are. You know, health and safety would have a field day if they ever got in here."

"And we'd have to retcon them to within an inch of their lives..." Jack shook out the trousers and poked his finger through the hole. "Is this big enough, do you think?"

"Only one way to find out."

"Yeah, right." Jack tugged them on and tried to guide his wayward new appendage through the newly created hole. He wasn't used to it yet and it eluded him, snaking away and down his trouser leg again. "Oi! You happen to belong to me, so why are you not doing as you're told?" Jack complained.

"It obviously reflects its owner," Ianto smirked. "Maybe..." Ianto captured the tail, smoothed the fur down along its length—not missing Jack's physical reaction as he did so—and guided it through the hole, allowing Jack to pull his pants up and fasten them securely. "Maybe you need therapy...you know, like rehabilitation after an injury. You need to learn how to function properly with it." The tail wrapped itself around his wrist, sensuously snaking along his arm. Jack's expression was intense.

"I could think of plenty of ways of getting practice," he suggested. "What you did just then... it felt rather good." This was a man who could think up more than 104 ways of using a stopwatch during sex and hadn't stopped counting yet. Of course he would be able to think of multiple ways of introducing this new-found piece of his anatomy into his love-life. It seemed to be prehensile too, he could—when it was cooperating—wrap it round things and hang on. An image imprinted itself on Ianto's brain then, the Captain sitting there in his chair, naked, tail wrapped around... stroking... Ianto cleared his throat and straightened his tie. His trousers were suddenly a little tight and it was ages before clocking off time. Bloody typical, he thought savagely and dragged himself from the room, putting as much distance between himself and Captain Innuendo as he could. _Just like a cat,_ Ianto thought, _no thought for anyone except himself..._

**Possibly to be continued... this could definitely lead to smut.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Standard disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or anything to do with it, it remains in the copyrighted hands of Mr Davies and the BBC. I'm not earning anything from it, I'm simply having fun with it and thank you for the opportunity. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. **

**SMUT warning… Apologies that this is only short but time is pressing.**

**The ABBA song came to mind here….**

_**I am behind you, I always find you, I am the tiger…**_

Something was tickling his nose. Ianto sneezed, mightily. He liked sneezing as a rule, when it could be done right; a loud release of air and not requiring a handkerchief. He hated the other kind, the kind that did require a handkerchief and left a distinct feeling as if he'd sneezed his brains into the hanky as well… He sighed, yawned, opened an eye, decided it was too early to wake up and closed it again. Moments later, he sneezed again. This time, he opened his eyes fully to see the culprit, an orange and black-striped tail whisking off out of view again.

"Jack!" Ianto exclaimed, exasperated. Jack smirked and leaned over, planting a kiss on his lips. "Mmph…" That effectively cut off the complaint that had been forming, although he was thinking of cutting off the tail if Jack didn't stop teasing him with it. When he was allowed up for air, he glared at the Captain and asked very tartly if he wouldn't like to start using a litter tray. "After all, I'm convinced you're starting to act like a cat as well as own an appendage like one. You've always been a bit aloof. Now you're downright annoying."

"Sorry, Ianto." Jack at least _sounded _contrite. And that kiss had been…well, nice as a matter of fact; definitely not aloof. Ianto raised an eyebrow. Jack smiled back, hopefully. Ianto's glare softened. Jack looked down at the bedclothes, then up again. Ianto allowed a small smile to tug his mouth up at one side. Jack grinned; he had been forgiven.

"Oh alright," Ianto capitulated. "I think we've got time before we have to go to work…"

**TW**

"Okay, Jack, it's okay, we'll have you fixed up soon." Ianto was helping the captain down to the medical bay; the man's features were contorted in pain and he was finding it hard to walk.

"What the fuck happened to you, Jack? Got stuck in your zip again?" Owen snarked, helping Jack to the table.

"No, you…ow… Christ, this hurts…"

"He trapped his tail in the car door." Ianto explained. "He's not got the hang of it quite yet. He shut the bloody door too fast."

Owen grimaced in sympathy. "Ouch, not a great way to start the day. Come on then, let me look. If it's like the rest of you though, it should heal quickly."

"If it's broken, though…"

"If it's broken, I'll set it, don't worry. Let me see. Oh yes, nasty…" Owen examined the obvious dislocation of the last four inches of the tail, the skin had torn as well. "I think I'd better give you a local anaesthetic and we'll go from there." Owen was filling a syringe. "Damn me, does this mean I'm turning into a vet now?" Owen grinned and administered the injection. Jack's relief was almost instantaneous. He leaned heavily against Ianto, looking grey. "There, we'll give this stuff time to kick in completely, then we'll sort you out."

**TW**

A short while later, the tail was straight again, the damage bandaged to protect it until it healed fully. Jack was resting on his bunk, lying on his side. Ianto was stroking his tail, scratching gently around the base, much to Jack's pleasure. He was purring again.

"How are you feeling now?"

"Been better…"

"You'll be fine. Next time, look before you slam the car door."

Jack chuckled. "Got me some Ianto-time though. Can't complain too much."

"I wouldn't advocate doing that again though. Must have hurt."

Jack shivered. "It did. Boy, did it hurt, like being kicked in the nuts…"

"Nasty. Well, you'll be fine soon. Take more care though, Jack. You wouldn't want to lose any of it. Owen might have had to amputate. Better not risk that again. It isn't like breaking a leg." Jack nodded, looking sick. Ianto soothed him, stroking the length of soft fur. "Shh, you'll be fine," he reassured, fingers tracing along Jack's side. The man sighed and closed his eyes. In moments he was asleep.

**TW**

The tail snaked across Ianto's body and Ianto grabbed it, stroking gently. Jack purred, a soft noise in his throat. Ianto blew on the tip, then kissed it. Jack shivered. Ianto let it go and the tail curled around his wrist, tip twitching. It's owner growled and rolled over, pinning Ianto underneath him. Ianto smiled and spread his legs. Jack lay down between them, his body warm as sunlight, the tail snaking around to stroke along a thigh. Ianto sighed and the tail snaked further,

More like a dominant male tiger than a cat, he thought. Then he felt where the tail had reached and moaned softly, his hips moving in response to the caresses. Jack growled again, a rough husky sound, and all other thoughts fled.

_**And if I meet you, what if I eat you, I am the tiger….**_

**Hope you liked this. Done on request because those of you lovely folks who reviewed liked it so much. Will write more when I can. JB**


	3. Chapter 3

**Standard disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or anything to do with it, it remains in the copyrighted hands of Mr Davies and the BBC. I'm not earning anything from it, I'm simply having fun with it and thank you for the opportunity. Any similarity to persons (or tails) living or dead is purely coincidental.**

**This is a little filler to update. Apologies but I do not get to update as often as I would like now. I think Tail Play will have to be put on hold after this one. I want to update and finish some of my other works and they aren't getting the attention they deserve.**

**Thanks for reading and following and the lovely reviews.**

_**The Affair**_

Jack realised early on that Ianto was having an affair behind his back. He would wake in the morning to find the man tucked behind him spooning and crooning and whispering sweet nothings. He had obviously been doing so while Jack was asleep. When Jack roused and rolled over, he would stop, somewhat guiltily, and try to cover his murmurings by kissing the captain on the lips and making every effort to distract him. It usually worked.

Jack would hear him while they were at work, as they settled on the couch together, snatching a few minutes peace, sipping Ianto's wonderful coffee and relaxing. Ianto would start to murmur complements and his hands would roam and they wouldn't be roaming over the captain's body. No, he had other things on his mind.

"I know you're having an affair, Ianto," Jack confronted him about it one morning. Ianto blushed and stammered and backed himself into a corner of the office.

"Well, at least it's with someone close to you," he defended.

"Yeah but really, you might have told me. It's hard to take, that he's more interesting than I am."

"Yeah, well, he's giving me something you can't, Jack."

"Yeah? What would that be?"

"He loves me..."

"I love you," Jack said indignantly.

"He listens to me."

"So do I, don't I?"

"He doesn't answer back..." The good Captain had no answer to that. "And he's very flexible..."

"Hell, you know how flexible I can be." Ianto had no answer to that.

"Well, he understands me, and he's very good..."

"Oh please, not that old chestnut again." Jack had a wide grin in place and Ianto could no longer keep a straight face.

"What are you two arguing about?" Gwen demanded. "Ianto cannot be having an affair. He's besotted with you."

"Oh, I am having an affair, Gwen," Ianto admitted. "Sorry to have to tell you but you're wrong. I've found someone else, someone handsome, sensual, playful..."

"Ianto?" Gwen was horrified.

"What? You think I can't find anyone else?"

"No, it's not that...just I thought you and Jack were...well, you know, attached."

"We are."

"Soooo... look, sorry, but...short answer's please... you and Jack are together, but now Ianto's got someone else, so what the fuck have I missed? I have no idea what's going on here. Would you two mental muppets please make sense for us poor city folk?"

Jack laughed and Ianto grinned. "Sorry, Gwen," Ianto said, almost contrite. "It's really quite simple. I'm afraid I'm going behind Jack's back on this one, quite literally in fact. I've developed rather a fascination with his tail. It's very prehensile, it has a life of its own. I'm just... besotted, I guess."

"His tail? You're having an affair with his tail?" Ianto nodded.

"Lucky me, hah?" Jack said. "We've got a threesome going on here. Me, Ianto and my tail. I dare say it's very much a polyamorous relationship. Tail goes everywhere with us, sometimes even gets to be in the middle in bed."

Gwen shook her head, huffed a sigh, did an eye roll to rival one of Ianto's best and stalked off, wanting to bury herself in her work before her co-worker and her boss went completely round the bend. _Torchwood,_ she thought, _bloody Torchwood. It's sending everyone daft._

"So, you and tail, you gonna make it official?" Jack wanted to know.

"What? As in rings and wedding bells and such? Not sure. Not certain he's interested in commitment. Much like his owner in that, I think."

"Hey, never said I wouldn't make it official. You never asked."

"Neither did you."

"You want to?"

"Jack, are you proposing to me?"

"If you like."

"That must be the singularly most unromantic way anyone has ever proposed to anyone."

"What'd'ya want? Hearts and flowers? Romance? Never had you pinned for a romantic, Ianto."

"Well, I'm not, not necessarily. But you might have put a little more thought into it. Not to mention a little more effort."

"Okay, then. Gimme some time. I'll come up with something."

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

"This is nice." Ianto surveyed the menu in the little Italian restaurant and smiled at Jack who was sitting opposite him and grinning like a maniac. "What's the matter? This can't be because the Rift has suddenly given us a respite for tonight..."

"Nah, I just like this, Ianto. You, me, being normal."

"Jack, since when could we ever be considered normal?"

"We're doing normal things, like dating, eating out, chatting. I think this is normal anyway."

"Jack, you are dating a man, you are from the 51st century, you have catkind DNA and you have a tail. A bit not normal, wouldn't you say?"

"Dating a man is normal. We're in the 21st century, not the dark ages..."

"Yes, and a few people still like to go gay bashing now and again." Jack shrugged at Ianto's observations.

"Yes, but us sitting here is more normal now that it was 100 years ago, believe me. Times have changed." Jack applied himself to his food, although his eyes remained thoughtful.

When they finally sat there with coffees, pleasantly full and content, Ianto felt an insistent nudging under the table. "Jack..." he said warningly, but Jack smiled innocently.

"What?"

"What? I'll give you _what_..." At that moment, Jack's tail tip appeared, stroking slowly along Ianto's thigh. Ianto caught a glint of...something bright. He reached down but tail flicked away, teasing. "Jack..."

"Oh, alright." Tail disappeared from under the table and emerged again out from under the table cloth. Ianto caught hold and stroked the fur, eliciting a soft moan from its owner. Then he frowned and a number of other emotions chased themselves across his face as he captured and then freed something metallic that had been tied to the end. A ring? "Jack?"

"Well, considering you're been conducting this love affair with him, I figured he ought to be the one to give it to you." Jack smiled. "Ianto Jones, Tail would very much like to know if you would marry him, if you could make a go of it, despite...well...everything."

"_Because_ of everything," Ianto retorted. "The answer is definitely..." Jack's phone rang, shattering the moment.

"Piss off, Owen!"Jack snapped into his mobile. There was some static chatter then Jack snapped a terse instruction to meet them nearby. "Sorry, Ianto," he said, snapping his phone shut. "Emergency. Some idiot is selling dogon eyes again, in a pub, in Penarth. We gotta go."

"You don't want to know my answer then?"

"Of course I do, but I can wait." Tail chose that moment to snatch Ianto's wrist and pull him close. Ianto yelped but moved nonetheless. Jack pressed their lips together.

"You don't have to wait," Ianto said, coming up for air. "Owen can do the waiting this time. The answer is..."

Jack frowned, caught up in Ianto's stare. "Yeah?" he prompted huskily.

"Yes, Jack. Yes, I will marry you. If for no other reason than you shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised."

Jack grinned. "You're gonna make an honest tail out of him then?"

Ianto grinned in return. "Of course. I would be failing in my duty if I left him without a minder... Now, come on, this is something I don't want to miss."

"What is? A man selling Dogon eyes in Penarth?"

"No, you Muppet. Owen's expression when we tell him, of course..."

**That's it for now folks. Review to let me know if you'd like, at some point, to read more. It might take a while but I shall endeavour to oblige if enough of you request.**


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